Saturday, July 29, 2006


Crazy Russian Pics

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One More, to Make up for the Last One

(note: scroll slowly and don't look at the answer until you're done reading the question)

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "



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Have You Ever Noticed...

1) Moles are always smaller than you imagine.

2) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle get synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether its ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

9) Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag is almost impossible to resist.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating an apple.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a piss flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.

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Thursday, June 15, 2006


Funny animals



The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.
I thought that odd since they were normally a couple
thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in
the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let
one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In
fact, none of them were really bright. They kept
punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then
they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very
well to their new environment. They would screech,
hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and
slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were
so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason.
They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when
you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys
lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser,
hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200
throw rugs
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work.
It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199
dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed
animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they
began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee, but there was a dead monkey in the
toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing
them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two
monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30
seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer
so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was
flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two
dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer. and 197 dead,
charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my
monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one
of my monkeys. It felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said
that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred
primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't
take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as
Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to
say. They pretended that they liked them but I could
tell they were lying. Ingrates! So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys.


So that's why we learn this in school

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